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Q I'm 21 years old and in a monogamous relationship. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he'd rather Dominant needs bj me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction—me dominating him—but I felt nervous and self-conscious.

The art of the dominant blow job

I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for first-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this? But "show me" is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he's having a hard time articulating his desires because he's shy, or maybe he's insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex—even Dominant needs bj complicated sex—should just "happen naturally.

Plus: tips for dealing with blow job bestowers, when vaginal sex is a big nothing

A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter—far too much is assumed, far too often—but what goes on during a sexual encounter Dominant needs bj BDSM has to be specifically and explicitly negotiated.

If he's too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn't feel comfortable sending e-mails they live forever on a server, they can be forwardedtell him to you write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up. Instead of pretending that you're a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what's really going on—your boyfriend is so submissive that he's submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that? Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you're bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that's causing you to fail at it.

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Third tip: a blindfold is an inexperienced dom's best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An Ace bandage will do the trick. You'll feel much less self-conscious if he can't see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs.

Q I recently made friends with a guy who's in his first sexual relationship.

I like it rough and kinky — even when it comes to oral

He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he's informed and being safe. But he's asked me a question about oral sex that I don't know how to answer.

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What is a man supposed to do when he's about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of "Where do you want it? A When your Dominant needs bj is getting close—when he's approaching "orgasmic inevitability," as the sex researchers call it—he should say, "I'm getting close. And just as he's passing the point of orgasmic inevitability—his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn't keep him from ejaculating—he should say, "I'm coming.

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At that moment, the blow-job bestower—your friend's new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can Dominant needs bj it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She's the decider. Q I'm a year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I've never been molested and I don't take pills.

I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it's about as interesting as a finger in a fist. Through googling, I've found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it's a surmountable mental problem—which is vague and unhelpful. So I'm asking for the opposite.

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Is there scientific research about this? Is there hope?

Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction? A "I'd recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different positions, experimenting with placing pressure on Dominant needs bj posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix," says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario.

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If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you'll be "engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on" before penetration. Chivers also wonders if you've discovered your G-spot.

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In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn't cause you emotional or physical distress—if it's something you can take or leave—tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you're up for it, or he's desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.

Is oral sex a dominant or submissive act?

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