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May 25, AM Subscribe Online dating just sucks. I hate it.

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This is the second article in a two-part series. Finding a partner is hard enough in the vanilla world. But it can seem impossible in the kink world. You want to find a quality partner, but you want to find someone who meets your unique needs. It can be hard to know the best path because most of the information out there targets vanilla relationships.

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Finding a kinky partner is different than finding a vanilla partner. The landscape around kink has changed considerably in the last few years.

Kinky dating is not the same as vanilla dating

Love it or hate it, 50 Shades of Grey has thrust kink into the mainstream. Kink has become more acceptable in the last few years, and the kink community has grown accordingly. Kinky social events are increasingly easy to find. Kink clubs are opening in major metropolitan areas, and kinky online communities have grown to unbelievable sizes. Fetlife, a kinky social networking site, boasts over five million users.

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In the olden days, most of the advice on finding a kinky partner went something like this: The scene is small. There are few people in the kink community to begin with. Most of the people in the kink community are taken.

Ergo, your best bet is to find a partner in the vanilla world and then introduce them to kink. But the world has changed. Finding a vanilla partner and introducing them to kink is no longer the best option. If you are partnered when starting on your kink journey, introducing your partner to kink may be your best option.

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Which do you think is easier? Finding a poly kinkster who likes video games? Or finding a dominant who enjoys caning and rough sex and is open to polyamory in the vanilla world? It affects everything from what you should know before starting your search, to where to look, to how to approach a potential partner. Before you go a single step further, you must know the answer to three critically important questions:.

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These questions seem deceptively simple, but answering them is anything but. In this wonderful, digital world we live in, you have two options for meeting people. Online and offline. Earlier this year, we interviewed a ton of kinksters regarding their dating experiences. Every single person we spoke to had an online dating profile on at least one site.

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Does online dating work? The jury is still out concerning if online dating is more effective than going out and searching. What most studies do agree on is that personality matching is bullshit. However, there are a few situations where meeting people online may be preferable.

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For example, you may want to avoid going out to live events due to employment or legal concerns, or you may live in a rural area without easy access to a kink community. These days, there are dating websites made specifically for kinky people. Most of these sites let you search by common factors, such as location or age. The main benefit of kinky dating sites?

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People on these sites are also likely to be open to frank conversations about sex and kink. There are a of kinky dating sites that you may find helpful. But there are a of other options available; in fact, there are way too many kinky dating sites to include here.

The three questions you must be able to answer before continuing

So instead we wrote an report for you. It includes:. Kink-specific dating sites have their uses, but their usefulness can be negated by the crowd they attract. When you go out to kink events, others will warn you about individuals who are unsafe, or immoral, or inexperienced. This is rare on kinky dating sites.

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In addition, many of these sites are poorly moderated. This equates to a poor experience for a lot of users, particularly the female-bodied. Because of these problems, kinksters increasingly choose vanilla dating sites when seeking partners online. Again, you have several options.

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And again, you should check out our free list. OkCupid is popular with kinky people. It also has enough questions regarding sexuality to allow you to get a decent idea of what someone might be into. Tinder is marketed as a hook-up app, not as a tool for finding a long-term relationship.

However, I do know several couples who met through Tinder, and many singles use Tinder as their primary dating app. Some people find that getting to know someone through chatting is more natural and effective than reading hundreds of personality questions. Keep it appropriate for the site. First, writing an online dating profile that gets is an art in and of itself.

We made a video. Go watch it. It tells you how to write an online dating profile that gets. Second, I told you earlier that you should think about your definition of physical attractiveness.

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Many people especially women get put off by references to appearance, even the ones who meet your criteria! Third, if a potential partner lives too far away, the growth of the relationship will be capped. It will be capped by the amount the two of you are able and willing to travel. Some people look for distance relationships specifically to keep a relationship from growing beyond a certain level.

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Limit your search to that area. I have some tips later in the post on how to talk to potential partners. Use them.

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And no offering to send someone your balls in the mail. Finally, if you do meet someone online, meet them offline as quickly as possible. Research suggests that a long period of chatting before meeting can be detrimental.

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Meeting in person is the best way to evaluate chemistry. Many vanilla dating authorities have this to say about looking for a partner: Get out of the house. The idea is that by going to places you enjoy, you increase your chances of meeting someone who is compatible with you.

Many of those trying to find a kinky partner spend all of their time behind a computer. They fail to get out of the house and meet people. Dating sites can Extremely kinky looking for ltr a viable way to find potential partners, but I think it is best to use the internet as a tool to find other kinky people in your area. Then, get off your ass and go where the kinksters are. When you go out to kink events, your odds of finding a compatible partner do increase, as do your chances of forming friendships.

Your chances of finding a kinky partner surge. The internet is the best way to find kinky groups if you know where to look. Instead, you should look on Fetlife or on one of the other event-focused platforms on our list of sites.